I Choose Joy…the Ultimate Joy!

Self-care, joy, discouragement, fear, chocolate, the couch, Facebook, frustration, anger, hope, self-control, humility, grit, peace, life.  These are the words that are typically battling each other for control in my life on a day to day basis.  My heart, my mind, my soul, and my physical body, it seems, are constantly in a state of questioning, “Will this be a good day, when we win, we succeed, we do it, we arrive?”  Or, “Will we try hard again, and then ultimately mess up, give in and settle into discouragement or even despair?”  Left to myself, in my own strength, I will never have those good days…

It has taken me a long time to write this post.  Technically it is part 3, the final of the series in finding/choosing joy.  The other posts have allowed me to write about my kids’ struggles, or even my husband’s, but this one…I have had to dig deep and admit my own struggles and feelings of inadequacy.

This past December and January were particularly difficult for me.  I don’t even know why, really, as I write this in April.  The details are gone now, but I just remember everything seemed to be a struggle.  Every part of life was overwhelming.  The kids were in their usual states of neediness, I think we were going through yet another med change with one of them; our marriage was hard–we were coming out of my husband’s long, intense studying season, only to realize we had developed some unhealthy habits of not communicating well.  Trying to find a new normal was turning out to be more difficult than we had envisioned.  My work was stressful as it always is in cold & flu season, but there were other organizational changes going on, as well as terribly sad personal situations we were all grieving over as well.  In the midst of the cold, dark winter, I found myself defaulting to an annoyingly familiar pattern of my past…late nights on the couch by myself, the kids finally beautifully asleep after the always taxing bedtime dramas, and my early morning husband in a peaceful slumber having already used up all of his daytime hours.  Late nights, with worthless tv, too much Facebook, and too many snacks–mostly chocolate, but sometimes whatever was in the house. I knew I shouldn’t be eating any of it, but during the dark hours of alone time, logic, health and will power do not typically win.  My comfort was being sought in worthless idols of food that would never bring lasting peace or joy.  And in fact, I would frequently wake up miserable, both due to the continued difficult season, but also the essential “hangover effect” of eating such terrible foods!  Sluggish and grouchy would be how I would start my days.  Not a good feeling and not a good way to pour into a family who needs strength and encouragement…not a good way to honor the Savior we’ve taught our boys about.  It was a season of forgetting to call on the strength of the One who promised to be near us and to give us strength.

I have this plant in my sunroom.  I love it!  I think it is a peace lily, and it was given to us after my beautiful friend lost her battle to cancer.  The people who gave it to us had these vibrant orange butterflies set in it that always remind me of her–shining–no matter what kind of light was coming through–sunny or just overcast daylight.  But this plant…it is SO high maintenance!  Some days I will come look at it, and I think for sure it is dead.  It is so wilted and lifeless.  But, I have just a little bit of hope that it might come back to life.  In fact, I’ve seen it come back to life, so in this hope, I water it again.  A few hours go by, I forget about it, I glance over, and there it is…standing strong and tall again, renewed…

I’m sure you see where I am going with this.  This plant is like me, like all of us…so desperately needy, every single day, hour, minute.  We wilt in discouragement, we are tempted to despair and then a few drops of water, and we are brought back to life!

In my human weakness, I often get lost or overwhelmed in the details.  Life gets hard and confusing and cluttered. I think, “There must be a better way to organize, to schedule my time, to make sure I fit in work outs, have family game nights, regularly scheduled talk-time with my husband, and even fun date nights.  If I could just get this perfectly scheduled home and life, THEN I would have peace.”  My logical, and even my spiritual, brain knows this is an elusive thought that will never come to fruition.  I know that I can never have peace or even true happiness or joy without calling on the Lord and leaning into Him.  But, even in this, I fail.  I know that I DO feel His presence and renewed strength when I am able to quietly spend time in His word, or when I read soul filling stories of how He has worked in other godly men & women’s lives.  So, I think again, “Maybe if I can just consistently get up earlier than the boys each day, THEN I can have some quiet reading time to be refreshed and replenished, and THEN my day will go well, and I will be able to conquer all of these issues.”  Me, me, me, I, I, I…

But, then life happens.  Isn’t that a great phrase? Life happens.  Many of you have heard the stories of the crazy things my boys come up with to do, or have seen the pictures of our barely recognizable living room floor after they’ve had a string of their “creative days” and miles of hotwheels tracks, nerf gun turfs, or furniture obstacle courses have evolved to take over the peaceful orderliness (HA!) of our home.  Or I’ve told you the more difficult, painful stories of the blow-ups, the meltdowns, the frustrations over not having the right words or cognitive capabilities to control our emotional reactions, and the hurt and defeat that comes after those moments.  Or you’ve heard my woes of how I’ve tried to wake up early only to have one or all of them also wake up early and immediately begin poking at one another, bothering, pestering, loudly resisting one another–all coming through the monitor next to my bed as I try to “rest” in the scriptures I’m trying to read that morning…

Christians call this the battle between the “already” and the “not yet”.  We have been saved by the blood of Christ, and we WILL enter His glorious presence one day when He will wipe away every tear and everything sad will come undone…but right here, right now, we are in the “not yet”…waiting for that future time to come.  (Rev. 21:4)

How do we pick ourselves up on those days? How do we keep from sitting on the couch, eating a whole bag of M&M’s (I mean not really…who does that?  I for sure leave at least a handful just to say I didn’t eat the whole bag!?!!?  Ugh…)  How do I pick myself up?  I don’t.  I am like that wilted plant.  But…I know the One who can.  I REMEMBER that He has picked me up before.  I CALL upon His name.  I SEEK His strength and His presence.  I TRUST that I have seen this before.  I have seen this wilted plant stand up strong and vibrantly, once again replenished by Him. (Psalm 105:1-5)

And I watch, and I look for the little reminders of His grace, the little silver linings that are there amidst the difficulties…

…when my son with autism has the “throw ups”, but at the same time is finally able to have enough body awareness to know it is coming and make it to the bathroom every time!

…when I receive a sweet text from a friend, just saying she was thinking about me and praying for me, after I had shared something during a group time the day before.

…when somehow my boys DO actually sleep in long enough for me to soak in some much needed scripture and maybe even have enough time to write a verse on a notecard, and then to even be able to use it later in my own text to a friend who is struggling…

…when there is snow or illness or schedule change that results in unexpected open time, and we are actually able to have 5 minutes of happy and engaged time playing a game together as a family (doesn’t matter if the 10 minutes before and the 15 minutes after are full of chaos or arguing or struggles…those 5 minutes of smiles and joy and conversation are the gift!)

…when I am able to keep my boots on, (literally) and force myself to go for a walk around the block in the sunshine before I go inside to get sucked into the “to do” lists and messes and dishes and meal planning…and the sunshine warms my face and my favorite praise songs come into my earbuds and renew my soul…

And then, soon, the little reminders even merge into some big reminders…

…when I am able to go to a full day for “special moms” that is full of other women, moms, wives who “get it”, and we have a whole hour and a half for lunch (which feels even longer because the food is prepared for us, and we get to eat it while it is still warm, and the other moms don’t ask me to cut their food for them!!), and we talk over each other because we are so excited, and it just feels so good to be understood, and feel heard, and be known, and we just want to share more and more and be encouraged and be the encouragers to others who may be just beginning the journey…

…when I am able to get away even for 24 hours with my gift of a husband who has somehow gotten placed onto the back burner in the upside down frenzy of life, and we realize it is not actually our marriage that is struggling, we really do love each other and it really is easy to connect, it is just all those other little people that get in the way!?!?!  and we truly get to take a few moments walking together in the fresh air, and enjoying the beautiful peaceful environment and architecture of our overnight setting, and actually have extended conversations to talk and dream and laugh…

And then all of a sudden, back at home, back in my reality, I see that all of those little reminders have merged into big reminders, and have created rhythms of actual peace being restored, and…

…I realize I have never been alone…

My sweet Savior has been there the whole time, fulfilling His promises to never leave me or forsake me.  In fact, He has gone before me, preparing the way, and He has been there helping me, upholding me.  (Deut 31:8, Isaiah 41:10) These reminders are all Him, my life-giving, redeeming Savior, who sees me and knows me intimately. (Psalm 139) His life story reminds me that He truly understands.  He came not as a king, but as a helpless baby who needed to be cared for.  (Luke 2)  He didn’t hang out with the popular gang…He chose to be friends with and love on a rag tag bunch of sinners and outcasts and broken people that He encouraged and taught and accepted for who they were.  And when He left, they REMEMBERED all that He had shown them and taught them, and how He had loved them despite their weaknesses.  And they poured into others, and reminded them of the truths that He had taught them.

We are given their stories in His Word–stories full of ups and downs and successes and failures.  But all throughout the Bible stories, and in my own life, the only way we are able to persevere through difficult times, and even in routine day to day life, is not by pulling up our boot straps and digging deeper to find more grit, but by becoming more humble and admitting our weaknesses, and crying out in neediness. Then, we can be filled up with His living words, and His life-giving Spirit, and His strength.  (Psalm 107, Psalm 34)

Apart from knowing Jesus, we have no hope.  (John 15) We are my wilted plant.  But, when we see and savor Jesus and what He did on the cross, dying and paying for our sins and our missteps once and for all…THEN, we can REST in His finished work, as He himself proclaimed from the cross, “It is finished!”  We can continue to take the next step, face the next challenge, and stand strong and full of life, confidently and peacefully knowing that we are not alone.

THIS is the ultimate self-care…the Ultimate JOY!

Psalm 105:4 “Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!”

For further encouragement:

“Broken Things” by Matthew West

“Worn” by Tenth Avenue North

“I Have This Hope” by Tenth Avenue North

“Glimpses of Grace: Treasuring the Gospel in the Home” by Gloria Furman

https://www.amazon.com/Glimpses-Grace-Treasuring-Gospel-Your/dp/1433536056/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1523403852&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=glimpses+of+grace+floria+furman