It’s OK NOT to be okay!

It’s OK NOT to be okay! Just in case anyone needed to hear that today, or needed that permission today…I needed that today. I think I’m going to need that every day of this entire school year!?This.is.HARD!

I usually can get through these hard seasons. I’m usually able to weather the big push days and then take a little bit of time to stop and rest and reflect, before I go at it again. I’m usually able to endure, and then with just a little bit of mental rest, still have room to take a minute to encourage others with a cute pic, or a funny thing my kids did, or a memory we made, or a scripture I just read, or a beautiful nature pic, etc, etc. But the last few days, not so much! I feel like it would take too much energy to even type anything out!

I have to admit that scares me a little. It scares me that even my usual helps are not helping as much.

I have an amazing moms group that meets sporadically to talk through these insane lives we live with our extra special kiddos (our preferred way of saying “special needs kids”). We usually “go deep” fast when we talk, since we know every moment is a stolen moment, and we don’t want to waste a minute talking about surface small talk kinds of things! But last night we met, and it just felt GOOD to stay light for once and talk about the easy stuff like schedules and which kid is doing what. It was ok to just enjoy each other and have fun, right?

So why did I feel unrest today, instead of feeling recharged with an uplifted heart and soul after those usually super encouraging meetings?

Or my WW group (previously called weight watchers–ok, let’s be real–everyone STILL calls it that even though they’ve tried to re-brand!?). I actually went to an IN PERSON studio meeting today! It was the first time since March, as they are just beginning to open again! I have been trying to do the virtual meetings, but I was super excited to be there in person. It was one of the fun, enthusiastic coaches that I usually really like. The people who typically come to that group are usually encouraging, yet real, and I leave feeling lifted up, knowing I can keep doing this and fighting the weight/health battle. But today I left sad. I know some of it was just another slap in the face of COVID grief–we had to wear masks, there were only a few people allowed in, and the chairs were 6ft apart so we could socially distance, which just makes the room feel empty instead of full and filled with life, as strangers who have become friends chatter away about how their weeks went. That was just harder to do six feet apart and wearing a mask…

But, I feel like there was something more to my sadness that carried over into the rest of my day. What was this unrest?

I tried to go for a walk. Usually before I tackle my inside chores, I strategically clear my mind and fuel my body with a brisk walk or run, especially if the sun is shining–as it was today on this unseasonably warm fall MN day! The leaves are already SOOOOOOO beautiful–a tapestry of reds and oranges and yellows. My walk felt great, I was listening to life-giving praise music, and usually I would head back home ready to tackle my ever present list.

So why the persistent unrest?

Admittedly, this COVID craziness may truly be hitting me harder than some. As a healthcare worker–a pediatrician at that–I see and hear and feel the fears, the frustrations, the anger, the stress–emotional, financial & physical stress, in my patients, their parents, my colleagues and coworkers, and in my own family–my husband, my kids, their teachers, their friends, our friends, & our neighbors. EVERY.single.decision is 500 times more complicated. There are new protocols AND new research findings emerging daily (sometimes hourly!) that change everything we’ve just finally “figured out!” My brain is constantly in multiple places at once. And even if I do try to be mindful of just staying in the place where I am physically present, I still know there is an eternal list in my brain of things I need to do or get to, or people I should be checking in on. And the emails!?!?! Oh, the emails. I literally saw a Facebook meme today that said, “Meanwhile, I had to quit my job so I could read emails from my kids’ schools full time!” That is me! My personal and my work emails are completely overloaded, and admittedly I CAN’T KEEP UP! I told one of my boys’ teachers today, if I accidentally miss the notice that it’s picture day or something, could you at least make sure my son doesn’t have food or marker on his face, and we’ll call it good for this year!?!

Being busy for me is not unusual. In pediatrics, there are definitely seasons of extra hard work and long hours–back to school check ups and flu season are two of them. But usually there is a start and an end to those seasons. NOW? It is all running together and never ending! Usually, in “regular life,” these seasons have a way of waxing and waning with sometimes being more stressful at home–lots of extra needs in my family with 3 boys and various forms of anxiety, adhd and autism running through. But usually in these times, I can at least count on the stability of knowing that I will know how to do my job well, and that will refresh me. When I am able to walk into a room, and really meet with families, especially those struggling with ADHD, anxiety or autism; when I really get to connect with them and allow them to feel seen and encouraged and to feel hope…Those are the moments that recharge me! They keep me coming back every day. I am still having those moments, maybe even more powerfully now with the intense struggles of distance learning, and the feelings of worthlessness it brings to these kids especially. When I am able to remind them of the areas where they are so amazingly creative and smart, their countenance truly changes, and I do see hope alive again in their eyes.

So why do I still feel unrest? Even after a day off when I usually am able to fill my bucket with all of the above, as well as spending time with my kiddos and my husband?

It has actually been the WW meeting that has helped me pinpoint my struggle the most. (And no, I don’t mean the weight! Yes, I have gained weight, and today the number was even higher since I actually had to wear clothes weighing in public, and with COVID you even have to wear shoes–I mean that had to add 10lbs right there, don’t you think???)

I realized that yes, I did feel a little bit encouraged after going to that meeting & being with those people, and I did learn some more science facts about weight and mindfulness (which I always love about WW–it is always backed by science). But, I also realized that the people who were there, in person, are mostly truly “back in the game” and excited and pumped up and on track.

And I realized I am NOT! I am NOT “back in the game” with everything all figured out and “balanced.”

And I don’t think I am ready to be.

Yes, I want to continue to be as healthy as I can possibly be–eating nutritious foods, giving my body physical activity, getting as much sleep as I can. I know these are all essential to functioning AT ALL in these crazy times!! But, I also know there is NO WAY I can put that extra pressure on myself right now of trying to LOSE weight, or even trying to keep track of points. It is just one thing I need to allow myself to let go of right now. And that is OKAY!

That phrase has been running through my mind for the past few weeks. I’ve wanted to post it on my FB page to encourage OTHER people, other friends.

“IT’S OK NOT to be OKAY!!!!!”

I DO want to say that to my friends, and my kids, and my patients, and my colleagues, and my family, and to our neighbors!

But, today, I’m speaking it to myself.

And guess what? As I say these words, and truly hear them, I realize that constantly trying to FIX the unrest feeling, or DO something more, has been causing even more unrest. But ALLOWING myself to just be here…to just say–or ADMIT–“I DO NOT have it all together,” NOT EVEN CLOSE? It is so freeing. In a strange way, I feel rest. And I CANNOT have it all together right now. It’s just not possible and it is just too much. But I will still do my best. And I will still love my kids. And I will still love my husband. And I will still try to encourage my friends, hopefully by saying these words to them too, “IT’s OK NOT to be OKAY!”

I know there is one more person who has been begging for me to hear that from Him too. Our pastor graciously reminded us of this again this past Sunday. When we feel like we are failing, we almost always want to try to fix it ourselves. We try to do better. We try to practice “religion” and follow the rules to make ourselves feel ok and to feel good. But we are never good enough. But JESUS! JESUS IS! HE loved us first, “while we were yet sinners.” (Romans 5:8) And HE LOVES US NOW, when we are NOT okay. When we DON’T have it all together. He died for us and for our sins. He loves us because we are HIS. And HE will never leave us or forsake us. HE will give us the strength and the power to make it through, and even to see JOY, in the midst of this mess.

IT is OK NOT to be okay!I hope you can allow yourself to hear that and truly believe it today…

Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the LORD: he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.”