Lonely parents of “naughty kids”…

“Isn’t anyone else the parent of one of those ‘naughty kids’?!?” Maybe you’ve never had that thought before.  For those of us who have, it is almost always one of the first thoughts running through our minds the moment we feel that punch in the gut…

That sinking, sad, helpless and hopeless feeling that immediately reaches your gut whenever you hear, “Mom, I have to tell you something…”, or worse, when you get the call from the recognizable school number, or read the email, “Just wanted you to be aware of what happened today…”

Why is it, in those moments, we immediately think we are the ONLY ones this has ever happened to?  Why is it, we immediately go to the replays of all the negative things our kids have ever done, and forget all the amazing things we were just noticing the day before?  Why is it, we immediately project into the future with untruths like, “He is NEVER going to get past this,” or “If this is happening now, what is it going to be like when…” or “When is she ever going to learn?”

It is heart-wrenchingly lonely being in this place.  These are not the stories and pictures we share on social media—mostly because we feel embarrassed or we believe the lie that this behavior is a reflection on us, or rightly so, we are trying to protect our child’s privacy…

But we do need to talk about these things.  We do need to have safe friends willing to be stuck in the mud with us, to feel the heartache with us, to remind us of “all the amazing things we were just noticing the day before,” and to help us stand back up, climb back out, and do the next thing in this parenting journey. 

What is that next thing?

Lately, I’ve been going back to an old pattern of trying to read everything I can get my hands on about parenting, and ADHD, and autism, and anxiety, and bullying, and “explosive children,” and strategy after strategy to use with each one of these issues.  I’m reading.  I’m listening to podcasts & audiobooks.  I’m going to seminars.  I’m consulting with specialists.  Are you exhausted yet?  I am too!

But a funny thing is happening this time…

All these resources, when you really get down to it, have the same ultimate theme at their core.  Yes, they all have their “unique” strategies, and programs, and “sign up for this, and you will receive this extra subscription, supplement, personalized plan”, blah, blah, blah…* But when you really dig deep and process all these strategies, the thing that always works best, and the theme that is ironically coming through loud and clear in recent research and literature, is simple, and doable…

…connection…

…spending time with your child…

…knowing and loving and studying the child you have been given! 

He will tell you what he needs.  She will show you what works best for her. 

When we really look and observe and listen and hear what they are telling us, what truly makes them content and happy…

When we see them thriving in certain situations, maybe not even just thriving, but excelling…

These are the things we need to pay attention to and nurture! 

And here’s the thing, these things our kids need, may not be the same things the rest of the world needs.  In fact, they probably are most definitely NOT the same things other kids or families need.  Some families may be able to sign up for every sport imaginable and have events or games or commitments every night of the week, sometimes multiple, and their kids may thrive with that kind of schedule.  But our family would collapse and fall apart if we did that.  We have finally come to grips with this (when we are in our right minds!) and have seen and heard the signals our kids are sending us… They need down time, and lots of it, in order to build their capacity up enough to move to the next thing.  It is hard enough sometimes, for them to simply make it through the school day.  We have to be very careful and intentional about the extra activities we choose for them to do. 

And yet, we can’t let them hide in their struggles either.  We have to love them enough, and know them well enough, to sense when they are needing a little push–when it is time to sign them up for something they’ve never done before.  Hopefully it is something we have studied for them to make sure it is something they could most likely handle—even if we know it will likely not be easy to get them there the first time.  We will have to push through their resistance and let some “naughty behaviors” pass (for now…) as we see them express their frustration and fears of the unknown.  And when they do make it, and they do succeed, and you see them visibly “puff up” as they flash you that smile–the smile you know comes up from their toes, the one that is yelling, “I am DOING IT!”  “I am GOOD AT SOMETHING!” “I am SUCCEEDING!” In those moments, they are developing their capacity, they are filling their buckets, and you are experiencing a unifying moment in your relationship with them.

Multiple moments like this, as well as less “exciting” moments—conversations around the table, or while playing catch, or riding in the car, or doing tasks together…normal life moments being present with our kids…this is what they need.  This is what WE need…to remember and think back to…

…when that gut punch comes back…

Then, instead of immediately sinking into the lonely downward spiral, we can remind ourselves, “This is ONE moment.”  This is “ONE unique time” that he/she messed up.  This is one more chance for me to continue parenting this cherished child I have been given as a gift.  (Psalms 127:3-5) This behavior, this choice of his, is telling me there is a demand or expectation he doesn’t know how to meet.**  I need to help him figure out a way to navigate this situation.  I need to help him learn.  I need to remind him he is loved…even when he messes up.  I need to help him know he is forgiven.  I need to help him find a way to pick up the pieces, to make it right again, to not hide from it, but to learn from it, and then to take the next step.  I need him to know our home, our family, is a safe place for him to mess up.  The world, his world, can be hard and unforgiving and relentless.  But our home, our family, our Lord, is forgiving and loving and strengthening.

Maybe it is coincidence, I believe not…during this same time I have been striving these past few weeks to search for all these answers—in books, from specialists, podcasts, etc., I have also been praying and fasting*** and feasting on the Lord and His word.  The Lord promises He will never leave us or forsake us (Deut. 31:8), that He will help us (Isaiah 41:10), and that He will be our rock, and our refuge, our strong tower, our strength, our rescue, our salvation (so many of the psalms!).  He promises to show us a waywhen we give up control and trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6).  He promises to lift us up out of the miry bog, to set our feet upon a rock, to make our steps secure, and to put a new song in our mouths and in our hearts.  (Psalm 40:2-3) He reminds us, “Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie!”(Psalm 40:4)

My hope is in His words…

That we would trust in Him, and we would not be frustrated as we let our minds go toward comparison to those we believe “have it all together” (which is of course a lie, since we each have our own struggles!).  But, instead, that we would be vulnerable and honest with one another, so we can build each other up, sharing and learning from one another’s burdens.  And even better, rejoicing in each other’s victories! 

So, if you are screaming that question, “Isn’t anyone else the parent of one of those ‘naughty kids’?!?” My answer is “Yes, yes I am!”  Come talk to me and tell me all the amazing things about your beautiful child, and I will tell you all the amazing things about mine.  And we will take the next steps together!!

“May all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, ‘Great is the Lord!’” Psalm 40:16

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

“Let love be genuine.  Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.  Love one another with brotherly affection.  Outdo one another in showing honor…Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.  Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.  Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.  Live in harmony with one another…” Romans 12:9-10, 12-16

 *I mean that “blah, blah, blah” with all due respect!  I AM a medical professional!  And, I understand, that sometimes after we watch our kids and observe what they need, that DOES include professional help, medication and/or therapies.

**The concept of inability to meet demands/expectations due to lacking skills can be explored further in resources by Dr. Ross Greene, author of “The Explosive Child” and “Raising Human Beings” 

***”Fasting is voluntarily going without food — or any other regularly enjoyed, good gift from God — for the sake of some spiritual purpose.”  https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/fasting-for-beginners

This is the group I have been “fasting & feasting” with: https://www.wendyspeake.com/sugar/

To be transparent, I have been fasting for 40 days from processed sugars, as well as limiting my social media use to a certain amount of time per day.  On Sunday morning, February 17, 2019 when my fast is over, I plan to thoroughly enjoy a sugary donut with my family!! 😊 But, I do intend to continue limiting my social media time, as the Lord leads…